Ive never been sick for this long before. My fever keeps going up and down with the highest at 39.2 .. once again, tonight wen i check it's at 37.7

I hate feeling sick. I hate having to keep motivating myself to hold on just a week more, a day more or an hour more before I cld rest. Coz in the end i wld be lying to myself. I never end up resting. I end up lying down worrying about the things i could have completed and be doing instead. And when im sick, my appetite gets worst. Wen i try forcing myself to eat, i feel like vomiting. Wen i dont eat, i start to get dizzy and will too feel like vomiting. Someone tell me wats wrong with me? Im afraid to see the doctor again. I dont want to end up being hospitalized for god knows how i hate hospitals. I think i might juz go into depression if i did.

And finally i broke down today. The stress-ness just got to me. The tears just flowed and i cant seem to make it stop, At this very moment, im hating myself for being so weak. Even writing this entry now, thinking of everything thats going on, i feel like crying. I never broke down due to sch this badly. I tout after going tru the intensive degree course, this will more or less be the same. Little did i know it's worst. I have no idea how my other classmates/coursemates can or are handling all these. Im physically, emotionally and mentally tired.

To friends, a warning that I might disappear for a moment. I need to compose myself once again. I need to find that balance to be able to juggle everything all over again. I need to be able alone right now. So in any case I feel the need to back away, Im truly sorry. Please understand. Im tired of trying to act fine. Im tired. Period.

13 years ago he left. And ive been missing him since. Though it has already been more than a decade, i still feels as though it just happened recently. Sometimes i truly wish he would appear in my dreams and talk to me. I miss everything about him - his smile, his laughter, his smell, his voice and just looking at him. I do wonder though how it will be like to grow up with him by our side. How things would and could have been different.

Nonetheless, as i look back at how fast time had passed by, it's amazing how much we have gone through so much as a family and grown stronger and closer as a unit.

I think i have put too much on my plate that im doubting myself on whether i could handle it all.

Just a week of 2010 had passed and how crazy it had been.

All that ive been through so far have not prepared me one bit for what im experiencing now. Working and studying at the same time is no joke. It's challenging and exhausting to try to give your 100% in both when you can't even handle one well enough yet.

When i give the excuse im tired or that im busy, pls believe me. Im trying my best balancing work, studies and whats left of my social life.

God give me the strength and the patience.

Blessed Be

Got this Paulo Coelho's blog. Enjoy




Blessed Be~

When i woke up this morning, for a moment i tout it was still 2009. Feels so surreal that 2010 is finally here. The year everyone been anticipating for has finally arrived. And I cant be more than happy it did. 

2009 had been a challenge. A roller coaster ride of emotions and uncertainty, It was also a year full of changes and renewed hope and faith. I started last year with so much hope that my dreams was finally going to be fulfilled. But things just took a sudden turn for the worst and i just fell and hit rock bottom.
The first part of the year, i lost 2 opportunities of a lifetime to Dubai and Abu Dhabi. Eventhough they say everything happens for a reason but when it involves your dream that you've been dreaming for since god knows when, that was it. You just stop believing that dreams can ever or will ever come true. Especially when it happened twice. In addition, I experienced the worst job ever and was unemployed for months while seeing frens all headed to impressive directions in their life. It was extremely demoralizing and tiring to just keep on smiling and motivating urself to hold your head up high and face another day, trying to keep hoping that day is the day things are going to change. Depression was just a step away as i unknowingly suffered from what they call Quarter Life Crisis (QLC). I was determined to make my mark in the industry ive long studied for. For some reason, I never did get that chance.

Thank god, the resolution i came up for that year kept me sane. I wanted to finally get my driver's license and so when half the time i was trying not to feel sorry for myself, I got myself busy studying for the BTT, FTT and signing up for a lot of practicals just to keep myself occupied.

The day when i achieved what i aimed to do, right after, i went for an interview for a job in the early childhood industry. Being elated from receiving my license on my first try, i was open to something new and just went with the flow. From then onwards, everything started to fall into place and so my life started - new job, new experiences, new colleagues, new friends, new school, new industry, new challenges. A clean slate. And things just continues to get better as i started to build a new dream and finally realizes what makes me happy.

And so i shall count my blessings.Here's my list of the great things that 2009 have brought (in no particular order):

1) Obtained my driver's license
2) Clinch myself a job
3) Going back to sch (fees sponsored for)
4) Bintan trip w/ RRBs
5) Experienced F1 Spore Grand Prix qualifying live
6) Experienced SI finale live
7) Getting a taste of being a class teacher
8) Wearing contacts FT
9) JB getaway w/ RRBs
10) Constant meet ups w/ wonderful frens
11) Outings with family

And why am i was/still am looking forward to 2010:

1) BKK trip in March!!!!!
2) HK trip in December!!!!
3) A new bunch of kids for work
4) Graduate with a prof. diploma in early childhood
5) Pay increment
6) Full bonus at year end.
7) F1 again!
8) BSB concert in Feb
9) More constant meet ups w/ wonderful frens
10) More outings with family

For now, this is from the top of my head. I believe there are definitely more to add on to both the list. Nonetheless, just this much can make me smile silly to myself.

Life is definitely beautiful. Even more beautiful after the storm, for the rainbow that comes after makes it all worth it.

I shall not make any resolutions this year. I shall live my life a day at a time and go where the wind will carry me.

A close friend of mine just told me she ll be going to Japan in March 2010 for a year to study. How exciting right!!! Now as much as im looking forward to March for my BKK trip, i dont want her to leave so soon!

Nonetheless, im truly proud of her to take this major step in her life. Knowing she onli has 3 more months in Spore, im alrdy missing her.

Love you lots Fate dear aka Cha2

But im still holding on, hoping that i will have that happily ever after one day. Coz to think otherwise is just scary. Fairy tales were created for a reason and i believe that the reason is that it happens ... people just need to have more faith that it does.

Maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that reality is better. We convince ourselves it's better that we never dream at all. But, the strongest of us, the most determined of us, holds on to the dream or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We wake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And, if we're lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life the true dream is being able to dream at all

I dreamt that one day I will be someone important. Someone successful. Making my mark in the events industry. Well tt dream was the one tt made me join HTM in the first place. Then when another wonderous opportunity came by, my dream changed to be someone great in the hospitality industry. Nonetheless, it was still somehow connected to each other. And despite the change, it was not as major as what i did 5 months ago.

5 months ago I was still hoping for a break. 5 months ago, i was almost at the brink of depression. 5 months ago seems to have been far off in the past. And im truly glad that 5 months ago finally came. Right now is what counts.

If you didnt know, when next year comes, i will be in charge of a class. A K1 class filled with 20 kids. Changed to a new environment, to new colleagues and to a new set of rules and regulations.
And Im afraid. Im truly afraid. Despite my excitement and anticipation, im terribly terrified.

Recently, a qns was being asked "What are you afraid of in facing the future" or somewhr along tt line. Mine is that Im afraid i never did find what I have been looking for. Im afraid that what ive always thought was it, never is. Even if now when im so in love with what Im doing, Im truly afraid what if 10 years down the road, i get sick of it and turn into those who work just because they have to and not having the passion for it. Im afraid of losing the passion for the things I venture into. Passion has been my key to motivate myself in times of adversity and in times when i just feel like giving up. Coz without passion, i feel that i would have gave up a long time ago.

And nowadays, with alot of frens and acquaintances getting engaged and married, some have been enquiring about my love life or lack there of. I have to admit tt it's nice to be able to talk to someone other than ur girlfrens about your fears, your dreams and just about anything for hrs. I used to have a very close guy fren whom i cld do that with and truthfully, sometimes i miss it alot. So forgive me if i tend not to share too much. It's exhausting to do it over and over again. Im just saving myself from all the pain. I dont think Im strong enough.
But right now, im in a stage whr i have so much to cope. I have bills other than my own to pay, work and school loads that i can barely juggle, a social life that i try to keep afloat and a personal space that i dont even have. With so much going on, im not even sure if a commitment is something i should even try to look for. Unless if there is someone who could patiently convince me otherwise, we'll see ..

Until then .. Blessed Be

Despite the stress-ness of work. Despite at times feeling like a fool. Despite trying hard to float when I feel like drowning. Despite losing my voice too many a times. Despite the craziness of trying to juggle work and studies. And despite having alot more reasons to be apprehensive about ... Im still so in love with my job. I couldnt be more thankful for this accidental change of event.

And at this period of time, i love how my horoscope can give me a motivation advice:

Your growing sense of self worth has come from deep within you - that's why it's so strong and meaningful. An identity build on outside esteem, however, isn't as solid. You've taken risks and proven that you are a formidable force. Sure, you may lose your confidence because you stumble here and there, but don't sweat it. You're made of stronger stuff than that. Have faith in yourself!

A week more to the sch holidays. Secretly, i think im going to miss the little rugrats.

Sports Day


athletes from Fir 1, Fir 2, Oak 1 & Cidar 1


gold from Fir 2. silver & bronze from Fir 1. so proud of them =)

Back to assigments ..

Blessed Be

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase. You’re gonna cry, but know that that’s okay. Sometimes life’s not fair, but if you hang in there, you’re gonna see that sometimes bad is good. We just have to believe things will work out like they should. Life has no guarantees ...

I could never say so better myself

Feels as though I've been working for months. But when i recount my days since i first started working, it has only been 3 months plus. And in this short period of time, so much had happened and more to be expected. I cant help it but  i feel that so much expectation and demands are being put on me. It had been barely a month that i became the form teacher of 2 classes, but so much blame have been thrown my way. Im trying so hard to push myself and prove to them that i can do it. I dont even know if what im doing so far is right. I have no knowledge of any kind in this industry nor any experience but i dont want it to make me handicap. At the same time i dont want too much responsibility till i feel myself drowning. i feel i have to step up so much that at times it's really demoralizing.

There is no person in the world who is made to handle every punch that’s thrown at them. We aren’t made that way. In fact, we’re made to get mad, upset, sad, be hurt, stumble and fall. We aren’t supposed to be able to handle everything. But that’s what makes us stronger in the end, by learning from the things that hurt us most.

Sometimes i do still wonder why did i make this big leap of change. And this is the reason why:

Sometimes in life, children see and find joy in the littlest things we adults usually take for granted, like red roses, blue skies, green grass. Their imagination and creativity knows no bounds and are not confined within the box, and what touches me most is their ability to simply just revel in the moment, lost in their world of make-believe. Their innocence, their joy and their laughter.

God stay by my side every second of everyday. Help me up when i stumble and fall. Provide me the strength and the motivation to continue to fight every waking day of my life.

Thank god for family and close friends. They are the ones that helps u to keep on going.

Blessed be

Horoscope of the day:

People you want to impress are amazed at your ability to commit, so don't take it for granted. You know what you want right now, so stick with it -- despite the hecklers in the audience. Everyone has doubts once in a while, but you won't let these little worries make you dodge responsibility -- too much is at stake. The long-term success of your plans requires you to prove yourself right now. Keep your eye on the prize and just keep on keeping on.

Im amazed at how sometimes my horoscope of the day provides motivational words and do reflect exactly what i am going through that day.

TGIF

Blessed Be

If only i have the ability to read minds, then things wldnt be complicated. Or that ppl should learn to just say what they mean ..

Anyhoos, the 2 weeks intensive starter kit is finally over. And this indicates that the nightmare will soon begin.
Having experienced a year intensive course in SIM-IMI should make this coming experience easier ... but i truly doubt so. Even then, i was just studying FT and it was tough enuf.
This time, it's going to be different. Work in the morning, school in the afternoon till the evening and the distance between these 2 places doesnt help at all ..  Even when im back home the earliest by 9pm, i still have my teaching aids to prepare and what nots in between.
Just wen im about to adapt to work stuff, a big change happened. And now wen im still unsure of things, i need to readjust again.
November please end soon.

Nonetheless, every tough challenge is a learning experience and a stepping stone to greater success .. and from one of my fav quotes, 'with courage in ur heart & god by ur side, u begin to design the life you want as best as u can'.

Blessed Be

Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

As the days keep on passing by too fast, the coming month is what been on my mind lately. School have started and so far im loving wat i'll be intensively studying. On top of that, i have my morning K2 class to be in charge of  and i am still partly in charge of my afternoon K2 class too. As much im dreading November to come, I hope it will pass by fast and painlessly. Assignments, projects, observation reports and students' portfolio are all due in November. I really pray for strength to overcome this obstacle. I truly will need my patience, multi-tasking skills and determination in place.

Other issues have been keeping me busy too. My mind is truly filled up to its brim with endless worries. Im slowly putting things with accordance to its priority - focusing on whats important first and the rest will be secondary.

As what a fren said, keep it slow. I will definitely try to. =)

Blessed Be

Live with the 3 E's … Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy,
and the 3 F's …Faith, Family, Friends.